Nic x
The wind
whipped severely around a cluster of battered trees, which bent and coiled in
response. Tessa, standing at the window, watched them and felt a strange sense
of empathy. I am the trees, she
thought, I bend to the wind and let it
control me. She watched again as one of the trees, the one she would have
believed to be the strongest, relinquished a branch to the onslaught of the
gale. Sighing thoughtfully, she began to turn away when her body was gripped in
an almost vice-like pain. Bending her knees, she grasped on to the heavy oak
table beside her as she was lifted by a pair of strong hands.
“Do not
drop to the floor like that. You could hurt yourself,” he said, practically
dragging her across the thick carpet. Tessa, still staring out of the window,
tried to claw away, but the pain was too bad. There was an array of glittering
stars in her vision, and she inhaled deeply, trying to clear them. She knew
something was wrong. It shouldn’t be this bad.
“Please,”
she begged, “I can stand. I want to stand by the window.”
The man was
unrelenting. “You’ve been standing there for over an hour. It is a little
unreasonable for you to think you can do this standing up. You don’t have long
left, I think. You need to be examined by the doctor.” He bodily picked her up
and put her on a chaise long that was barely wide enough to fit her pregnant
frame. As soon as he let her go, Tessa stood again, wobbling a little on her
feet, but standing nonetheless. She looked again around the room, a lavishly
decorated study, with a mahogany bookcase, several pieces of precious art
adorning the walls and a moose head on a plague above the door. She had no idea
where she was, no way of escape. The only concession she had been granted was
the view from the window, and now she’d lost that, too. She looked at the man
in the room with her. She knew his face well, of course. He had been following
her for months. He was stunning, a beautifully chiselled face, a strong jaw and
piercing blue eyes. His dark hair rested just on the nape of his neck, showing
his broad shoulders. She didn’t know what he did in the time he wasn't
following her, but she could see from his physique that he was a runner.
He was also
right about her not having long left in her labour. Her waters had broken almost
seventeen hours ago, and she knew that it was coming to an end soon. He body
felt wrung out, and she could feel it preparing to give birth. Her child, her
beloved child, so wanted, so loved, was arching its body to free itself from
the safety of her womb, and her body was ready to let it go, even if she
wasn’t.
“What are
you…” she began, but paused as another, much stronger contraction gripped her.
She inhaled sharply and bent forwards, trying not to show the pain on her face,
but she knew how unsuccessful she must have been. The pain was terrible, a dark
creature controlling her body, tightening it, pulling at her edges. She tried
to fight it, but was forced to let it overcome her like a disease. Eventually,
it subsided, and she sat for a moment recovering. He watched her with
curiosity, like she was a rare animal in capture, his blue eyes scanning her
face as she dealt with the pain.
“Ok now?
You ready for me to call the doctor yet?” He asked, marching across the room
and picking up his mobile phone, the only modern commodity in the room.
Tessa sat
back a little, still shocked by the intensity of the pain. “Is he a real
doctor?”
He seemed
to consider this. His handsome face paused before he answered. “We would not
put you or your baby in any danger.”
Tessa
smiled wryly. “Guess not, then.”
“Your baby
will not be in any danger,” he repeated, not taking his eyes off her.
Your baby, she thought. No mention of
the father. That seemed appropriate.
She knew
that denying the presence of the doctor would be moot soon anyway, because she
was so close to giving birth. She sighed, feeling the wave of pain rising in
her again.
“Call him,
if you must,” she said uncomfortably, as the contraction hit.
As Tessa
writhed in agony on the chaise long, she saw him flick open the phone and make
the call. He said simply, “You’d better get in here,” before flicking the phone
shut again. Tessa closed her eyes, enjoying the last few moments that would be
alone, although the pain inside her was horrendous, like the baby was clawing
to get out. She clenched her teeth, feeling her jaw crack at the pain overtook
her. She tried to push herself further back on the chaise long, trying to
prepare herself for what she knew was very, very close. She arched her back and
tried to breathe, praying equally for this to be over soon and for it to never
end.
The doctor
could not have been far away, because he entered the room in a matter of
seconds after the call was made. He didn’t speak to her, simply lifted her
knees and moved her nightgown over them. Her companion moved backwards, so that
he was somewhere near her head. He didn’t touch her, and Tessa wished he would,
wished that one of these men would show her some compassion. Another man had
entered the room, a man she had met only once, six months before, and he was as
silent and foreboding now as he had been then. Tessa tried not to look at him.
The pain
was not stopping, and Tessa was having difficult understand why there was
seemingly no end to the contraction, when she felt the overwhelming urge to
push. She began to bear down, and again, none of the men spoke to her, or even
acknowledged her presence in the room. The so-called doctor began to help her
guide the baby out, but his contact was cold and unfeeling. Tessa reached up
and grabbed the shirt of the blue-eyed man.
“The
window,” she hissed, “Let me look out of the window.”
He looked
up at the doctor, who glared at Tessa as though she was a petulant child. He
looked over his shoulder at the silent man, who shook his head once. The doctor
turned back and said to her, “Of course not. Don’t be stupid.” His accent was
quiet, South African, and in another life, Tessa would have loved to hear it,
but now it cut her to the bone.
The pain
rose inside her again, and Tessa cried out. She felt as though she was being
ruptured from inside, the pain burned and pulled at her. She felt the urge to
push again, and she did so, letting out a scream as she felt something
extremely strange pushing out of her. She looked at the doctor. “Is it out?”
He gave her
the same look again. “Does it feel out? You’re still having contractions. You
have delivered head and shoulders. We still need you to push. Stop asking
questions and do it.”
Tessa closed her eyes, feeling a pain in
her deeper than the labour, the sear of grief. She had never felt so alone, so
overwhelmed, and she felt like a fool for letting these men take from her the
best thing that could have happened. She should never have listened to them.
She should never have believed their lies.
She bent
herself backwards, finally working with her body, instead of fighting the pain.
The contraction did not subside but still ripped at her, but Tessa felt as
though she was no longer associated with her aching body. Her thick blonde
hair, usually so styled, was plastered against her cheek and neck as she
gritted her teeth together. She barely was aware of herself pushing, but she
felt the release as her child was pulled from her body. Immediately, her body
eased, and she rested for a second.
The room
seemed eerily silent, waiting for the baby to cry. Suddenly, noise erupted from
the doctor’s hands, the strong and powerfully incessant cry of her child. Tessa
swore that in all of her days, she would not forget that noise. She sobbed,
overcome by emotion, by her imminent loss.
“Is it a
boy or a girl?” She begged, trying to get the attention of all three men, who
were crowding around the screaming child. They ignored her, so she tried to
stand, but her knees wouldn’t hold her weight. Fear rose in her, sheer panic
that she would never get to see the baby, never even touch it.
“Let me see
it!” She screeched, hysteria and terror blatant in her voice. The doctor looked
up in surprise, and Tessa saw the face of her child. Although it was screaming, she had never seen
anything more beautiful, or more pure. The baby had wide set blue eyes, and
bore her some resemblance, but it hurt her heart that the child was not an echo
of her. She would leave no mark on this baby’s face, no sign that they had ever
once been the same person. She cried again, reaching out for the infant.
“I want to
hold it,” she said softly, “I will not let you take this away from me yet.”
Obviously
reluctant, the doctor handed her the now swaddled baby. As if by magic, the
child’s cries subsided as Tessa took hold of it. She pulled at the swaddling
cloth gingerly, not wanting to make the baby cold.
A boy. He
was a little boy.
Tessa could
not stop the warm tears spilling down her face as she held her son in her arms.
She brought him close, inhaling his beautiful scent, and she kissed him on the
cheek. He had begun to cry again, but she pulled him close, soothing him
gently. She too was crying, but she held on to him, easing his tears and
ignoring her own. She murmured softly in his ear, letting him hear her voice,
telling him that she loved him more than anything in the world, and that what
was happening was not her choice. She pulled him closer as the doctor leaned
forward to remove him from her arms.
“You won’t
hurt him, will you? You won’t let anything happen to him?” She knew her voice
was desperate, but she was beyond the point of caring. The doctor was back to
ignoring her, and he turned away with the child. Her companion, the handsome
man who had been with her since the start of her labour, shook his head.
“Of course
we won’t hurt him. We have been waiting for him.”
Tessa began
to sit up. “Won’t you need me, for a while, for breast milk? That’s important
for his health. You’ll need me to stay.”
He looked
Tessa in the eye. “Yes, you will stay here for two more weeks. We will get you
a breast pump. You will not see the child again.”
Tessa found
that she still couldn’t stand. Something was happening inside of her. “But if
I’m here, what harm will it do?”
There was
no reply to this. Tessa was momentarily preoccupied with the strange pain
emanating from her belly. She thought for a moment that she was still in
labour. She looked up just as the doctor was leaving.
“Wait! I'm
in pain. Something’s happening.”
The doctor
paused for a moment at the door, and then turned back. The expression on his
face was of extreme exasperation, as though Tessa was one problem he had no
interest in dealing with. He glanced up at the silent man, as though
contemplating handing the baby over to him, but then thought against it. He
handed the baby to the other man, and then came over to examine her. His exam
was brusque and unpleasant, but Tessa felt her pain ease as he removed
something from inside her.
“The
afterbirth,” he said, as though that were obvious. “You’ll be fine after you
sleep.”
The doctor
walked back towards the baby, leaving Tessa in a pool of her own blood on the
chaise long. There was nothing in her left to cry, and she could only watch as
he took the baby out of the room. The child’s cries echoed down the hallway,
and Tessa closed her eyes, imprinting the sound on her brain. As he left, a
woman, not much more than a girl, entered the room. Dressed all in white, she
was clearly subservient to the men, and her head was lowered. She came over to
Tessa as both the other men left the room. As soon as the door clicked shut,
Tessa broke down, not caring what this girl thought of her for doing so. So was
surprised when she felt the cool, small hand of the girl on her arm.
“Don’t be
upset,” she whispered, as though not wanting to alert anyone that they were
talking. “You have done a great thing.”
Tessa
thought this girl was as insane as the rest of them. “I let them take my
newborn son away from me.”
The girl
smiled enigmatically. “You don’t know what you’ve done. It’s a shame you don’t
know.”
She began to clear the blood from
the leather. She gently eased Tessa up, making sure she wasn’t still bleeding,
giving her something to drink. Tessa realised this girl must be medically
qualified, here to do the job the doctor wasn’t capable of. After a few
minutes, she phased out, thinking only of the strong, sturdy weight of her son
in her arms. She closed her eyes, knowing that exhaustion would soon let her
slip away into unconsciousness, and that there she could dream that this ordeal
had never happened.
Softly, and with dreams of her
beautiful baby boy, and not his horrific birth, Tessa succumbed to blessed
darkness, where she knew she would always remain.
One Year Later
The streets of New York city, often written about,
well cited as inspiration for the most stunning, darkest, and most provocative
of creations was, to Tessa, like a huge monster, sucking the life out of its inhabitants,
whilst giving them the belief that they lived in God’s greatest kingdom. She
was as addicted to it as every other person she passed in the street, and yet
she knew she could, and should, live without the impact it had on her life. But
Tessa had yearned for anonymity, to disappear from the world, and there was
nowhere better to do that then here.
Tessa
walked into a Starbucks opposite her home. The Starbucks was small, and quite
quiet, away from the hubbub of the city, and Tessa liked it specifically for
this reason. The motif on the walls was subtle, earthy tones and quiet,
unobtrusive music, and Tessa spent many evenings here, looking out of the
window, considering her greatest mistake.
The weather
outside was electric, calm and cold, waiting for a storm to break. The sky was
eerily bright, and the air was expectant, knowing soon the downpour would come.
Tessa sipped her coffee, settling herself in by a window, trying to snuggle as
much as possible into the thick, velvet seat. She was always cold these days.
It had been many, many days since she had known warmth.
Tessa looked down at the notes
and papers she had strewn upon her lap. Since arriving in New York eleven months ago, she had forced
upon herself some distance from the life she had known before. Before she had
come to New York ,
before the reason she had to leave- Tessa had been a student of philosophy and
belief. She had taught in a community college in Seattle , and loved her life. Now she had come
home, back to the place she had been born, and partly raised, and taken a job
as a secretary to a small-time lawyer, a man who dealt with business affairs
and compensation claims. The work was simple and mind-numbing, but Tessa needed
to numb herself from the memories that followed her. The papers on her lap were
some simple administrative notes, work that she could have done in the office,
but she always took some work home with her. She didn’t like having free time.
She gathered up the papers and
set them aside, knowing that once she got home she’d be glad of having
something to do. As she did so, she knocked the coffee cup over, sending almost
an entire cup of coffee onto the counter. The hot brown liquid slid across the
table, just as the waiter was passing with a tray. He stopped, and began to
wipe up the coffee. He smiled up at Tessa. She knew him well, she was here
almost every day, but she never spoke to him, never met his eye. Still, she
couldn’t stop herself from apologising for the spillage. He chuckled, his eyes
creasing at the edges.
“Don’t worry about it. That’s
what I’m here for. I’ll get you another coffee if you want it.”
Tessa shook her head frantically.
“I don’t want to be any trouble.”
He smiled again as he stood. “No
trouble. It’s on the house, so long as you don’t go bragging about it,” he
winked as he headed back to the coffee machines.
Tessa nodded, only half sure she
should accept. The last thing she wanted was to encourage him, because she
didn’t want to invite conversation. He seemed to be busying himself making her
coffee, and Tessa left him to it. She would gladly pay him for both cups of
coffee, so long as he left her alone.
“Tessa? Tessa Drake, is that
you?”
Tessa froze. She stared forwards,
hoping the voice would leave her alone if she didn’t respond. She turned herself away from the noise,
praying inwardly that she wouldn’t have to talk to whomever it was that was
calling her. She heard nothing for a moment, and she relaxed her shoulders
slightly. She was safe for now. When she felt the fingers coil upon her shoulder,
Tessa screamed and almost rose completely from her chair. She turned; smacking
her forehead against the elbow of whomever had reached out to her. Tessa
screamed again as the woman began to apologise profusely.
“Oh my god, I’m so sorry. I
didn’t mean-Tessa, that is you, isn’t it?”
Tessa resigned herself to the
fact that there was no escaping her having a conversation with this woman. She
looked at her properly for the first time and saw it was Melanie Stokes,
someone she had known both in high school, and by coincidence, they had both
gone to the same college. Melanie’s almond shaped brown eyes were narrowed in
concern.
“Are you okay? You didn’t answer
when I shouted you.”
“Yes, I-I’m sorry about that.
Sorry about your elbow.”
Melanie slipped into the seat
beside her. Her long body had filled out slightly since the last time Tessa had
seen her, but she looked better for it. Instead of looking boyishly lean, she
looked curvier and more comfortable with her body.
“Oh, don’t worry about my elbow,
Tessa. I smacked you in the head. You okay?”
Tessa was about to respond when
the waiter returned with her coffee. Tessa managed a smile for him, but was
thankful she didn’t have to embark upon a conversation with him now that
Melanie was at her table.
“To be honest, Tessa, I wasn’t
even sure it was you, you look so different,” Melanie said, making no secret of
the fact that she was looking Tessa up and down, and Tessa couldn’t blame her.
In the past twelve months, she had undergone a radical appearance change. She
had always been curvy, but her appetite had long left her, and she was now
skinny, almost bony. Her pelvic bone jutted out as did her shoulder blades and
ribs, and although she didn’t look ill necessarily, she certainly looked
different. Her hair, always blonde, was now a deep shade of chocolate, but she
had been unable to change it so far as to shorten it, because more than even
she had wanted to hide behind her tresses. Her clothes were dark, always shades
of brown and black, anything to avoid being noticed, because her newfound hollowness had given her
cheekbones, had made her wide green eyes even more appealing, and her lips, always plump, look surgically
enhanced, and despite her desire to be unnoticed, her clothes had done little
to hide her from the world. Melanie was looking at her strangely, and Tessa
shrugged.
“Yeah, I just, y’know I felt like
a change.”
Melanie nodded, and smiled.
“Well, I know what you mean. After college, I think my hair must have gone
through hundreds of different colours and styles. My stylist was sick of seeing
me. I was trying to find myself. Such
a cliché.” Melanie laughed, and motioned for the waiter to bring her the same
as Tessa was having. “I love the brunette though, it suits you. Really brings
out your eyes. And you must have lost a hundred pounds! Not that you needed to
lose an ounce, but still, you look great.”
Tessa nodded, and picked up the
coffee in front of her. She actually had no idea how much weight she’d lost in
the past year. It didn’t seem important. She felt she ought to respond, and Tessa
smiled for Melanie.
“You don’t look so bad yourself.
In fact, you look amazing.”
Melanie smiled, but Tessa could
tell she loved hearing the compliment. Not that Tessa had minded telling her;
the truth was that she did look happier, and her eyes were lit up, her skin
glowed, and she was a lifetime away from the moody kid she had been when they
were both teenagers. It’s funny, she
thought, we all have our demons to
battle.
Melanie
swept a strand of hair behind her ear. “Thanks Tessa. I do feel, I don’t know,
more comfortable with myself. You remember in college, I was all hands and
feet, so tall and skinny? I hated my body. But, I guess as I’ve gotten older,
I’ve accepted myself a little. Plus, I got married last year. His name’s Scott
and he’s a cop. Would you believe it? I married a cop.”
The source
of Melanie’s happiness was so obviously her husband that Tessa couldn’t stop
herself from smiling. Melanie proffered her left hand and showed Tessa her
sparkling rings. There was something innate in Tessa to respond to jewellery,
and she couldn’t stop herself letting out a small cry of appreciation at the
glittering stones on Melanie’s engagement and wedding rings.
“Oh,
they’re beautiful. You’re so lucky.”
Melanie beamed,
and Tessa once again felt a surge of sympathy for her. When they had been in
high school and college, they had been friends, and while Tessa had been
beautiful and outgoing, and popular with boys, Melanie had been sporty and
self-conscious, and had very few boyfriends. They had been close until they had
graduated, and despite both of their best intentions, they had drifted apart.
“You’ll
have to meet him. He’s not a beat cop anymore-that’s how we met, he’s a
detective now.”
Tessa
raised an eyebrow. “You met him when he was a beat cop? What were you doing?”
Melanie
laughed, just as the waiter came over with her coffee. She crossed her legs and
pulled herself closer to the table. “My purse had been stolen. Some junkie, I
guess, I don’t know. Anyway, he was on a street corner as I was running after
the guy. You know me, Tessa, if there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s running.
So, I come around this corner at fifty miles an hour and run straight into
Scott. We both end up on the floor, and I’m screaming at him to go after this
guy. By the time we’d got ourselves off the damn floor, the thief was long
gone, but you know what? I cancelled all my credit cards, and met my husband,
so I guess the kid did me a favour.” She took a long sip of the coffee, closing
her eyes and savouring the flavour. Tessa stared at her, wondering how long it
would be before she would be able to appreciate something as small in her life.
Everything was a battle for Tessa, everything reminded her of what she’d lost,
or frightened her into remembering the ordeal of giving up her son. She
shivered as she thought of him, of how old he was now, and how much she had already
missed. She closed her eyes for a moment, trying to wipe her memory clean. Her
heart often betrayed her like this, throwing the memories at her when she
thought she was doing okay, that she might just be able to make it through the
day.
Melanie
placed the mug back on the table. “So what about you? Are you married?”
“No, I,”
Tessa paused, realising her voice had come out strangled. She cleared her
throat.
“No, not
married. I’ve been close, once, but…things happen, you know? I’ve been single
for a while.” She held up her naked left hand.
“Looking
like that? How are you still single?” Melanie smiled, not patronising, but
encouraging. Tessa smiled back, knowing that Melanie would never know why it
would be a long time before she let a man touch her again.
Although
she had only had a small sip of the coffee, Melanie pushed it away, obviously
finished with it. She cleared her throat slightly, and then looked Tessa right
in the eye.
“I’m going
to have to head off now. Scott’s outside in the car, I told him I was getting
something to go,” she laughed slightly at herself. “Although he’s probably not
surprised it took me twenty-five minutes. Look,” she said, reaching in her
handbag for a pen and scribbling her phone number down on a napkin. “Call me.
I’ve missed you, Tessa. We were such good friends, and I loved seeing you. I
want you to meet Scott. You will call me, won’t you?”
Tessa
stared down at her cup of coffee, wishing it could swallow her up. Her
friendship with Melanie had been a lifetime ago, a time when she was a
different person. But Tessa was
lonely, and she was bruised from being hurt and alone for so long. She closed
her eyes. Surely an old friend, one she knew was safe and wouldn’t hurt her,
surely that would be okay?
Her
hesitance was not lost on Melanie, who took a step away from her. “It’s okay,”
she said, her tone colder now, “You don’t have to.”
Tessa stood
up, afraid that if she let Melanie go she’d never take the first step back into
enjoying her life. She reached out for her friend, touched her arm. Tessa felt
the softness of Melanie’s linen jacket, her arm underneath. It had been so long
since she’d touched anyone or anything, so long since she’d felt her numbness
lift out of despair. She knew she needed someone to lean on.
“I won’t
have to call. Let’s arrange something right now.”
Melanie’s
face broke into a smile, just as she had years ago in college when she was
upset and Tessa had soothed her pain. If only Melanie knew how much Tessa
needed the favour returning now.
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